Pinku-Enchanted Life

Buttercup is the latest addition to our family. She will be all of one month old tomorrow i.e 29th October 2010.

I have wanted you so much I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want you Of course I was smart, I didn’t let anyone know It wouldn’t do to carry your heart on your sleeve Would it? But, I have wanted you There is no mistaking it Have day dreamed about your fingers laced in mine Of wild rides through hills and vales With you by my side Now they tell me I have to let you go Let you go even before I really see you Even before we have looked into each other’s eyes and seen our souls joined how easy is it you tell me? Why am I always faced with these decisions? Where and when did God decide that I should be an example of stoic acceptance? Why cant I rant and rave? And refuse to let go? Why must I be logical and practical? I don’t want any of it, I just want you. Is it so very much to ask?

I was a little more than three when mom was expecting my sibling. On the train to Durgapur where my masi stayed and where we were headed for the delivery, people kept telling me that soon you will have a little brother to play with. The thought disgusted me so much that I warned Mom I might throw the new baby out of the train if she gave me a baby brother. I had wanted a baby sister desperately and brothers were not my idea of fun or playmates. Mom kept her promise and Payel was born on 29th august 1980. A small little baby all pink and very small. I claimed ownership from the first day onwards, she was MY sister and no one had more rights to her than me. Mom says I used to wake up with a start at night even if the baby were to wail once. Back in Faridabad, every small gift I got, a few toffees from a classmates birthday in school or a little something that friends or relatives gave I would first offer to Pukai as we called her. We never had any sibling rivalry or atleast I didn’t. On

Life is still in turmoil and the near future will also be the same way. Police stations, society leaders, political clout holders, we keep visiting them by turns hoping to find a solution and more importantly find out why this girl is doing what she is doing. She comes from a lower middle class family, her father needed help from all and sundry to get her married off, in a scenario where we had no demands. I really doubt his ability to support her for the rest of her life. She had not wanted for any material comfort in the two months she was in our house, from a house with two bedrooms for eight occupants, she had come to one which has four bedrooms for a total population of four. She had no responsibility nor chore expected of her. Yet she went ahead and ruined our life and hers too. I am still searching for the reason. On monday back from another visit to the Police station, drained of hope or strength I had opened an old book to find a handwritten note in it. I read it and found yet

The partner has spent some time in Arab land and I am a sucker for anything that promises subtle flavors and a lot of meat ;) We had some chick peas soaked and that gave us the idea that perhaps rather than having a Punjabi chole yet again we could try making a sort of Lebanese dinner with labneh, hummus and some bread and meat. A simple meal we thought and yet that’s when the adventure began. We thought we could get some marinated malai tikka and grill it at home. Past experience had taught us that of all the ready made stuff available in the neighborhood shops, malai tikka or afghani chicken were the only ones which went well with the subtle tastes of hummus and labneh. A visit to the nearest meat shop brought a nasty surprise. The predominantly vegetarian neighborhood was fasting for the Mother Goddess and therefore the meat shop was closed. Whether in fear of the wrath of the goddess or her worshippers being anybody’s guess. We moved off a little further in search of the e

I thought of writing about so many things but the days seem to be just slipping past without giving me anytime to reflect. I just get swept along with things sane and insane. February 4th was the big fat Indian wedding of my adopted brother and a girl we shall call Bha. So the whole of January or rather all the weekends of Jan were spent in preparing for this grand event. Since he is adopted and that too not in the proper formal manner (he came to us when he was 18, decided to call my mom, mom and just stayed on) there were not too many relatives willing to help with the responsibilities. It was left to mom, me and parry to organize everything. Mom’s neighbours however behaved like complete sweethearts, coming in at all sorts of odd hours to help us with the various rituals. With a few hiccups here and there everything went well. Office was painful though and I was alternating between my laptop and preparations for the wedding through all three days that a bong wedding lasts. 5th eveni

Aeons ago we met and held hands ages passed between one glimpse and another it took upheavals to bring us together Lores got written, weapons clashed worlds were plunged into chaos in an attempt to keep us apart through raging thunder and whirlpools we made it to the shore only to lose ourselves in the sands of time

I have always been strong headed and very sure of what, who and where I want to be in life. There have been many negatives to this “I know best” attitude however the one positive has been that I have also maintained that since my decisions and actions in most cases have been my own, I very rarely blame anyone else for the outcome. I firmly believe that whatever fate doles out to me are things I am responsible for and blaming someone else are signs of a weak character. From my choice of education to career to friends (and boyfriends) to husbands and work I have always gone with my own sometimes thoughtout decisions and mostly whims and fancies. Answering many a raised eyebrows with an “it’s my life” and “I don’t care” statements I have been meandering through life. However truth be told the secret dream of my choices being seen in the right light by my family and friends and their approval given has always been there. Why did I stay in a marriage which from the first day seemed futile?

Calming nerves Take a long deep breathe, a short walk and visualizing a happy scene from the past completely unrelated to the present crisis in great detail. Fighting stress Check out the situation rationally, understand what is there that I can do to better it, do it, send up a quick prayer and then trust in God to deliver me from the problem. Feeling loved Re-reading old mails from friends and lovers. Relaxation A nice book, munchies, a tall chilled drink, mountains in the horizon and a nice tummy to rest my head on. Feeling low A quick bout of shopping for stuff, could be as mundane as daily groceries just remember to pick up one or two feel good things (chocolates work for me). Ending a going nowhere argument with the partner A tight body-enveloping hug and a long kiss These are my recipes...what about yours?

I have been in a ranting mode so I thought let me count my blessings. It’s a self help exercise so kindly bear with me. I always find some people who gladly share their time and company with me wherever I am I have a loving partner who is not stuck up with ideas of what girls should do or don’t. I have the naughtiest mom in the world My doggie Crazy has the most soulful eyes in the world My masi thinks I am a heroine so does my brother though he tries to keep it carefully hidden My home is the center of my universe and I love returning to it I have a job and am good at what I do I have a blog correction two and some people actually find them worth following. I have dreams that I want to fulfill and someone with me who shares them I can find these ten points to write about….there would be so many who wont be able to. Thank you God.

Life has been tough for the past month or so. Multiple problems at different fronts have left me groping for that extra ounce of strength and patience to carry on. At times the urge to cry uncontrollably is too much and only the thought of losing my sanity if I let circumstances get the better of me, stops me from doing it. I have not been in the mood to write though each event could have been fodder enough for more than one post. Yet somehow the will to write was missing. Also the fact that the events involved many others who may not appreciate being discussed on my blog held me back. I am back and using this small post as a bulwark against the emotions that still threaten to take over and am planning to come back next week with another post on things less dreary that can be shared in this forum. I do note that in the time I have been away the numbers who ostensibly followed this blog have gone down, I do understand that in today’s world of instant gratification they would have expect

Life began as a multi-hued carnival of sight, sound, laughter and sometimes tears for a favorite doll lost or a toe hurt. It grew into something very black & white as teenage approached. Everything was seen through the grave lenses of ideology that was grafted and then crafted from the many books, films, snatches of conversations and bits of life experiences one went through. The twenties brought with them financial independence and the dawning of the fact that life was more than black& white. Also more importantly the fact that what was black to me was quite fair in the world’s view and what was pristine white to me was seen as dirty and abhor-able by the world. Now standing inside the gateway of thirties having dealt with bereavement, public ignominy, loss and the breaking of dreams and aspirations I understand that life is neither black nor white nor is it multi-colored, its infact just a grey. A grey that turns, swirls and moves like the early morning fog. At times it break

All this while we thought of ourselves as sorry people who didn’t have enough friends who cared for us enough to want to meet up. We just got to know how popular we are (and are still reeling under the effect of the revelation.) Here, let me sketch the scenario for you: Last Saturday we hosted a party for friends. We had about twenty five people come after inviting roughly thirty so we are counting it as a great turn out keeping in mind the God forsaken corner of the city we reside in. It was supposed to be a barbeque party……the party did happen however the barbeque refused to light properly inspite of the fact (or was it because of) that nearly everyone present had a go at it. Anyways thanks to helpful hands we managed to salvage the situation and everyone said they had a good time (but then do they ever say otherwise) apart from a few who came too late and departed too early. Here is a pic of the flowers they brought us. Aren't they pretty? So net net we had a happy Saturday….fol

My mom and her cousin and his wife just went on a trip to Bombay and Goa. (yes, Bombay thats how they think of it inspite of all the hype about Mumbai). We joked that they are too old to enjoy those places and they are meant for the young and adventurous. The mocking continued till I saw the pictures. Then I stopped. (Mom on the mini rail near elephanta Caves) (Mom and Mammi on Ferry) (Mom collecting sea shells on Juhu beach) Mom seems to have had more fun than me :( Am sharing some here for you guys...just so you know that age is completetly in the head and my mom refuses to step over 40 whatever it takes. Am hoping she stays that way. (Mom and Co. dancing away at Goa)

My relation with my God is special. God is a friend, philosopher, and guide to me. At times also a fellow prankster. I call him by many names and at times that I am really feeling good I even think of Him as Her. God to me is omnipresent, omnipotent and yes God looks after me and its not the other way round. Yes He does expect me to help my fellow beings but mind you my God is strong infact he is the strongest and he doesn’t need me, I need him. The names I call him depend on what it is that I seek from him. When I need hope I call him Jesus . When its patience I seek I call him Shiva . When very tired and looking for more stamina I call him Allah (say the word out loud without any preconceived notions and feel what I mean). When its strength I seek I call him Wahe Guru and when I wonder about his inconceivable powers I think of him as Yahweh (the unknowable). When knowledge is what I look for I think of him as the Buddha . So you see my God has many names and he stays true to each

A well planned city, a lovely day, laughter and good hearted chatter for company. With people you have met for the first time but feel you know so well. A wholesome lunch in the Punjabi tradition of ‘the guest must not lack for anything’. A visit to the city’s beautiful lake side and the chance to quickly through snippets bring each other up to date on one’s life and plans. A very upset young boy with strangers who are intruding on his time with Dad. A young girl who doesn’t know what to make of a woman who is mom’s friend but behaves more her age. Two husbands, amused participants to their wives latest crazy plan. A meeting that ended too soon. A friendship I am hoping will survive and thrive.

It was father’s day yesterday. And today is baba’s birthday. The last time I saw him was fifteen years ago. I saw him gasping for air as his body slowly descended to the ground trying hard to resist the massive cardiac arrest he suffered. How would my life have shaped up if that fateful day he had not died but recovered? I have often wondered. Were he alive today his hair would be more grey than black. At that time it was just turning grey at the edges. Mom would still wear red and not say that her life is over. Payel, my sister might also have been alive. Might have been. Could have been. Should have been. Failed plans all. The reality is that he died fifteen years ago. Payel followed five years later. Mom looks grim and her eyes rarely smile. I am anchorless. Miss you Baba. Happy Birthday!!!

Feeling miserable that I will have to walk in the heat, to go to the bank to inquire about the status of my accounts which were to be opened I move from office. The lift is not working yet again I walk down cursing the idiots who couldn’t repair it in time. Once outside I squint, the sun is so harsh, beads of perspiration appear even before I have taken half a dozen steps. The walk is through a subway, out the other side and then a long walk thanks to the MCD which forgot to leave space for pedestrians while making a long wall to guard the colony within which the bank is situated. Into the bank and I look around for someone to help me. A newly married woman obliges in a disgruntled manner, without taking down my name and number she dismisses me saying I will look into the matter and let you know. I insist that she takes my number and only then she does though reluctance is writ large on her face. I wonder if she will throw the piece of paper as soon as I turn my back or wait for me to

Have you come to my blog recently and gone away since there has been no new update? I am sorry, I apologize for disappointing you. But know what I have been really busy the past few weeks. Busy doing what you ask? Why busy living of course ….living the way I have always wanted to. Sharing my life with someone who thinks my ideas worth listening to and my moods worth a penny or two. This new sunrise in my life feels like bliss and I am enjoying it so do forgive the delay.

Hi! I have not been writing for over a fortnight. Its not that I didnt want to, I tried writing, sometime jotted down a sentence, sometimes keyed in a whole paragraph. But nothing seems right. Nothing makes sense. I want to fall into a long untroubled sleep and wake up to see all the issues washed away. I am being a little selfish, I am seeking my own happiness. Can it be so wrong? I try and do my duty towards everyone honestly, to the best of my ability. I dont shirk responsibility or the ugly things of life. Cant I be entitled to a little beauty, contentment, happiness then? I dont know what to say anymore. What arguments helps one win a war with loved ones. I want to cry and lament at the state of affairs of my life but its all wound up inside and its doesnt flow. I wish it would, I wish this pain would ease. Pray for me. Please pray for a miracle.