Winter of life

Winters do something to me. While others get swaddled in layers upon layers of woolens I cherish the cold and welcome it. It makes all my dormant desires come alive. I want to experience new things, touch forbidden territories and create new road maps where none existed.

It also makes me impatient. It makes me strain against all that binds me. I find it difficult to keep my head down and slog on as I usually do. The need to step off the highway of life and smell the flowers, turn the leaves becomes very strong. So strong in fact that at times it scares me.

Winters are when I want to travel, explore and be curious. Winters are when I want to discard the old and try on the new. It’s as if my soul flirts with everything, unwilling to bind itself, unwilling to settle down.

Narcissus, my favorite flowers are ones that can be seen at Delhi florists for a very short while during winters and their ephemeral fragrance haunts me. My biggest joy is to spot a bunch of these and be able to claim some for myself. I know this joy is short lived and yet nothing makes me happier.

 Is this normal? Do many people feel this way? I do not know. Mostly I hear friends complain about winter. They only see the cold, damp, sunless days. I see the chill, the fog, the mist and the magic of lights and fires burning bright.

I want to be able to pass on this love for winters to my daughter. I want to be able to share my joy of finding a nice cup of coffee on a cold winter morning with her. I want us to taste hot kebabs and mulled wines together.

I want to be around to do all this and more and yet I have this feeling that my time is running out. That like my favorite Narcissus I too must fade away soon. It’s a very unsettling thought. It makes me want to hug her tight and never let go. It also makes me stay away and appear non-caring in an attempt to ensure that she doesn’t become too dependent on me. 

I wish I had someway of allaying this fear which gnaws at me night and day.

P.S: all pictures used in this post are Google images.