I want to write

I want to write and put in order the terribly confusing thoughts in my mind. But I am afraid to put them down in black and white. That would mean confronting them, accepting them as mine, born from me.

How can I let that happen? How can I irrefutably allow them that distinction?

I must hide my thoughts; glance at them only furtively making sure that no one knows what I am thinking.

Thoughts can be very dangerous, one must think a hundred times before indulging in them and a thousand before revealing them to anyone else.

Why you ask I feel this way? You feel I am paranoid?

Let me tell you then, I had thought of, created in my dreams a life filled with love and laughter.

Honesty, benevolence, goodwill, a broad approach to life and the living all had a place under the sun in that world.

It was all very nice, very beautiful. But then I destroyed it.

Know how?

I shared it with people I thought were companions. Those people listened, nodded their heads and smiled as if convinced with all of it and wanting to share, make it their own.

Then I gave over the reins to them, secure in the thought that my world and me are safe in their hands.

They picked up axes and hammers and broke it all to pieces.

And told me I was a fool to even dream such dreams, think such thoughts.

So now I am afraid to dream, to think, to write.

Comments

bugs said…
now you have started contradicting with your own Enchanted way of life.....

When you have given the control of your dreams and thoughts to others and when those others stop accepting them...you are out to distroy your own thoughts....

Is this the saddist inside you talking or you want a reason to stop thinking!!!
Pinku said…
Hi Bugs!

Glad to see you visit my blog. I have not given up on my Enchanted life as yet however at times resolutely looking only at the bright side of things does have its limits.

And then I can but not think of where and how far I have come from the world I had envisioned.

But I think you are right I shouldn't think such sad thoughts.
(But see how you too monitor my thoughts or atleast try to?)
Anonymous said…
this is going to be terribly boring and mundane - in these days of exposing not just your thoughts, deeds and desires the net is truly a public forum for sharing inchoate ideas. yet if you are not sure about it saying the light of the day or are constantly in mortal fear - it is better to go back to plain old-fashioned paper and ink. Write. think. write.and then stowe it all away - it will be read by people someday. witness kafka instructing people to destroy his writings and havingt he world discover his masterful prose. my worry or grouse as a neo-luddite is that in this age of instant coffee, noodles, photos and gratification too - we are probably jumping the gun and trying to seize our 15 seconds of instant fame if not 15 minutes of eventual limelight.
Seventh Scorpio said…
That is the most honest thing I've read. Perfectly describing the world. I am glad you shared that writing. Thank you.
Anonymous said…
ah, somethng after a long hiatus.well, anonymous friend has a gud advice, jot down ur thoughts on white with blues all over. but y share dreams? nobody cares for any1s dream. only a confidante can be trusted or as i think so.
~Hemanth~ said…
Ah! betrayal, the premival human qaulity *shrugs and moves onto the next post*

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