Of despair and disillusion...

-
I finished reading a book called Rani by Jaishree Mishra today. It was based on the life of Rani Lakshmi Bai of Jhansi...a figure of courage and strength for me from as back as I can remember.

I had always been bad at Hindi as a subject and had special difficulty in understanding and grasping poetry in the language. However in class IV when the really long Har bolo ke muh humne sunni kahani thi...poem became a part of the curriculum I had no difficulty in memorizing the whole thing by heart. I still get goose bumps when I hear it read out.

I had never doubted the Rani's bravery and courage and had set out to read her story convinced that I would read about a person who was so strong that I could only gather strength from the book. But having finished the book I am left in a state of despair.

For the author entered her heart and mind and showed up the doubts and fears. Showed up Laxmi Bai's desire to have the simple things of life ...time with her child and husband, a few carefree days, the desire to be with her child till the time she was sure he was no longer a child.

I found so much of my own indecision, doubts and fears reflected in her story that rather than gathering courage from her I felt the need to pity her and sympathize.

Long back someone had told me 'its a curse to be strong, to have values, to believe in fairness'  I had laughed then at the pessimism now I dont laugh anymore.

What also disturbed me were the stories of excesses in the name of a revolution that were done by both sides. I remembered the stories of carnage from more recent times and found no difference in the kind of atrocities people are capable of once the veneer of "being civilized" is taken off, from those times till now.

The meanness and pettiness of it all left me completely disgusted and disillusioned.

I really wish I could see some kindness and goodness in this world. Right now it appears totally horrid.

Comments

Beauty and the BEast said…
I must lay my hands on the book. Sounds like a must read! The dilemma of what is right and what we wish to do so often tears us, doesn't it?
9:01 pm, June 17, 2013
Pinku said…
Beauty and The Beast : read it but remember the truth is hardly ever pleasant.

and yes you are so right, the RIGHT and the WISH seldom meet.
5:33 pm, September 10, 2013
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Some dreams

-
I started out in life with some dreams, a couple of aspirations and a few vague goals of how I wanted to live life. There were some do’s and don’t in my list of things like am sure everyone has. The most important of these was an attempt to live an honest, uncomplicated life. Honest not in the Gandhian sense of telling the truth no matter what rather in being able to openly do what I wanted to do. One thing I have always hated is the need for camouflage. I never wanted to be the prettiest, the best, the wealthiest all I wanted was contentment and the opportunity to be happy and make those around me happy in whatever small measure I could. Now at the much experienced age of thirty when I survey the scene around me all I find is a Mahabharat like battlefield littered with the carcasses of my dreams, aspirations, well intentioned actions and my goals …my goals are nowhere to be found. They abandoned the field long back, stealthily, leaving me to fend for myself as best as I could. I have
Read more

My God’s Strongest

-
Image
My relation with my God is special. God is a friend, philosopher, and guide to me. At times also a fellow prankster. I call him by many names and at times that I am really feeling good I even think of Him as Her. God to me is omnipresent, omnipotent and yes God looks after me and its not the other way round. Yes He does expect me to help my fellow beings but mind you my God is strong infact he is the strongest and he doesn’t need me, I need him. The names I call him depend on what it is that I seek from him. When I need hope I call him Jesus . When its patience I seek I call him Shiva . When very tired and looking for more stamina I call him Allah (say the word out loud without any preconceived notions and feel what I mean). When its strength I seek I call him Wahe Guru and when I wonder about his inconceivable powers I think of him as Yahweh (the unknowable). When knowledge is what I look for I think of him as the Buddha . So you see my God has many names and he stays true to each
Read more

Learning’s at 31

-
Image
Life began as a multi-hued carnival of sight, sound, laughter and sometimes tears for a favorite doll lost or a toe hurt. It grew into something very black & white as teenage approached. Everything was seen through the grave lenses of ideology that was grafted and then crafted from the many books, films, snatches of conversations and bits of life experiences one went through. The twenties brought with them financial independence and the dawning of the fact that life was more than black& white. Also more importantly the fact that what was black to me was quite fair in the world’s view and what was pristine white to me was seen as dirty and abhor-able by the world. Now standing inside the gateway of thirties having dealt with bereavement, public ignominy, loss and the breaking of dreams and aspirations I understand that life is neither black nor white nor is it multi-colored, its infact just a grey. A grey that turns, swirls and moves like the early morning fog. At times it break
Read more