Of despair and disillusion...

I finished reading a book called Rani by Jaishree Mishra today. It was based on the life of Rani Lakshmi Bai of Jhansi...a figure of courage and strength for me from as back as I can remember.

I had always been bad at Hindi as a subject and had special difficulty in understanding and grasping poetry in the language. However in class IV when the really long Har bolo ke muh humne sunni kahani thi...poem became a part of the curriculum I had no difficulty in memorizing the whole thing by heart. I still get goose bumps when I hear it read out.

I had never doubted the Rani's bravery and courage and had set out to read her story convinced that I would read about a person who was so strong that I could only gather strength from the book. But having finished the book I am left in a state of despair.

For the author entered her heart and mind and showed up the doubts and fears. Showed up Laxmi Bai's desire to have the simple things of life ...time with her child and husband, a few carefree days, the desire to be with her child till the time she was sure he was no longer a child.

I found so much of my own indecision, doubts and fears reflected in her story that rather than gathering courage from her I felt the need to pity her and sympathize.

Long back someone had told me 'its a curse to be strong, to have values, to believe in fairness'  I had laughed then at the pessimism now I dont laugh anymore.

What also disturbed me were the stories of excesses in the name of a revolution that were done by both sides. I remembered the stories of carnage from more recent times and found no difference in the kind of atrocities people are capable of once the veneer of "being civilized" is taken off, from those times till now.

The meanness and pettiness of it all left me completely disgusted and disillusioned.

I really wish I could see some kindness and goodness in this world. Right now it appears totally horrid.