Some dreams

I started out in life with some dreams, a couple of aspirations and a few vague goals of how I wanted to live life.

There were some do’s and don’t in my list of things like am sure everyone has. The most important of these was an attempt to live an honest, uncomplicated life. Honest not in the Gandhian sense of telling the truth no matter what rather in being able to openly do what I wanted to do.

One thing I have always hated is the need for camouflage.

I never wanted to be the prettiest, the best, the wealthiest all I wanted was contentment and the opportunity to be happy and make those around me happy in whatever small measure I could.

Now at the much experienced age of thirty when I survey the scene around me all I find is a Mahabharat like battlefield littered with the carcasses of my dreams, aspirations, well intentioned actions and my goals …my goals are nowhere to be found. They abandoned the field long back, stealthily, leaving me to fend for myself as best as I could.

I have been managing till now, drawing on some imaginary, some real source of stamina and hope that drove me to pick up the shattered pieces yet again and try to rebuild what could have been. But then at times such as now that source too runs dry or like a mirage reveals its true identity.

And then I see my life stretched out like an endless desert where each direction is covered only with sand and more sand, lifeless and barren. That’s when I lose the will to carry on and why should I move? Each grain of sand is just the same as the other there is no distinction.

I am tired of this whole situation, this scenario. I wish I could wipe it clean and begin life all over again with a different set of dreams, aspirations, goals…